animate animals

The comedian Kevin Brennan, who I mentioned in an earlier blog, has a funny act about vegetarians. He says: "I was on a date with a vegetarian once..I ordered a chicken sandwich and the woman's like, "You eat MEAT? I could never eat a living thing I'm a vegetarian!"And so I'm like well you know plants are living things too...they're just easier to catch." I thought that the point he made was pretty legitimate, I mean, plants ARE living. Eating fresh vegetables are necessary for our diets in order to get the proper intake of fiber, vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. So on this topic I started thinking and on a tangent I came up with my idea for this blog. Eating living things that aren't so vital and that are hardly conventional.

In some cultures such as Judaism, the practice of eating live animals is absolutely forbidden. For instance, of the Noahide laws, or the seven laws of Noah, one includes a dietary law which prohibits the taking of flesh from an animal while it's still living. In my opinion Noah knew what was up. Eating animals while they're still alive is only cool if the animal is incredibly disgusting or really terrifying- and it's being eaten by someone on TV getting paid (or with the lure of) a fantastic sum of money or terrific prizes. Also, I'm not one to take things that make my life easier for granted. I mean sure it's a hard life for Bear Grylls but I've got modern conveniences that make me bubble with joy. The microwave! The stove! The oven! Ding! Food is done! We have these abilities today in most countries, and it's a horrible tragedy to me to think of people simply gobbling up their food while it's still kicking.

Octopus. They're kind of cute in cartoons with their big squishy heads and droopy legs flopping around. However I don't think I would find them quite as charming if I had a great big juicy live specimen on my plate for dinner. The Koreans believe that this sannakji, a raw dish of octopus tentacles, brings stamina and strength. While I must admit that the tentacles are sliced up into pieces to make them easier to eat, that doesn't mean that they aren't still squirming. The little babies are seasoned with sesame oil and considered ready to serve. One who eats them must be very careful as well, as their suction cups can get stuck to your throat and cause a choking hazard, so they must be swallowed quickly. I think I'll stick to eating pasta packed full of carbs to build up strength instead of these unfortunate creatures.



San zhi er, or "three screams" is possibly even worse than the octopus. In this case the little critter being devoured is a baby mouse. "Three screams" refers to the cries of the rodent as is meets its death. The first scream is emitted when the mouse is stuck with the chopsticks (or fork depending on how authentically Chinese you are), the second comes with the mouse is dipped in seasonings, and the third and last- when the diner takes a bite. I'm not one to be fighting against animal cruelty, I mean, I love me some veal and chicken cordon bleu and tasty bacon strips- but this seems ridiculous to me.

Brains are very important in the role of society as a whole. Obviously the human brain is what sets us apart from other primates, rodents, birds, fish, etc. Therefore with our big, intelligence endowed brains, we should be smart enough not to eat monkey brains. Monkey brains are believed by the Chinese to cure impotence, and the practice has sadly led to over-hunting. There seems to be other, more tested, methods to cure impotence in today's world. As a matter of fact, watch TV for about an hour and you'll see 2 or 3 of them. Anyway, the process is not without horror in itself. The monkey is first intoxicated with rice wine to subdue him, then their limbs are bound to keep them from fidgeting and fighting once they come to. The monkey is tied underneath a table with a hole cut in the top, where it's bald head (having been previously shaved) is showing through the top of the table. The skull is cut open and the brains are seasoned while the creature is still alive. The diners dig in immediately while the brains are still warm. Haven't they heard of popping it into the microwave or something? There are plenty of other ways to heat up a delicious treat other than by using body temperature. Hm, natural though I guess?

So, if you're into the freshest food, here's a few ideas. Actually very popular!